When a Married Woman Falls for Someone Else: Understanding Emotional Attachments We Don’t Ask For
By Queen Madaki – The Bureau News | Lifestyle & Relationships
Many women will never admit it publicly, but emotional attraction outside marriage is far more common than society is willing to acknowledge. Not because marriages are bad. Not because husbands are inadequate. Sometimes, human emotions simply wander into places we never planned.
A trending anonymous confession on Quora has once again sparked uncomfortable but necessary conversations. In the post, a married woman described her “perfect marriage”—a loving husband, a stable home, and a beautiful daughter—yet she found herself deeply drawn to another man who, on paper, had far less to offer.
“He doesn’t make as much money as my husband. He is older, balding, struggling financially. But I feel a spiritual connection with him, like I’ve known him in a past life,” she wrote.
She insists no physical line has ever been crossed, yet the emotional weight keeps pulling at her heart. Her question: “How do I get over this feeling?”
This raises a deeper issue many women silently battle with—the conflict between emotional longing and marital commitment.
Why Do We Fall for Someone Who Isn’t “Better”?
Human attraction isn’t always logical. You can be devoted to your marriage and still feel drawn to someone who connects with you on an emotional or spiritual wavelength your partner may not understand.
Here are the most common reasons:
1. Emotional Validation
Some people enter our lives and make us feel deeply seen, heard, or understood.
This doesn’t mean your husband isn’t good—it means this other person reflects a part of you that you may not express in your marriage.
2. Unmet Emotional Needs
Marriages evolve. The spark softens, responsibilities increase, routines settle, and emotional intimacy sometimes declines.
A new person—especially a good listener—can awaken dormant feelings.
3. Psychological Projection
Sometimes, the attraction isn’t really about the other person.
It’s about a version of yourself you feel alive with when you’re around them.
4. Forbidden Chemistry
The mind romanticises what is unavailable.
It’s easier to idealise a connection you haven’t lived with daily pressures, bills, or parenting.
5. Past-Life or Spiritual Resonance
Many people interpret deep emotional familiarity as “spiritual” or “karmic.”
Even if it is merely psychological, the feeling can be powerful and disorienting.
How to Get Over These Feelings (Without Destroying Your Marriage)
1. Accept the Emotion Without Shame
Suppressing it makes it stronger.
Acknowledge the feeling, but don’t feed it.
2. Reduce Emotional Dependence
If you talk to him often, vent to him, or rely on his comfort, you’re unknowingly building a bond.
Emotional boundaries matter even when physical ones aren’t crossed.
3. Strengthen Your Marriage
Ask yourself:
-
When was the last time you felt emotionally close to your husband?
-
Have you communicated your deeper needs?
Strengthening what you already have helps the unwanted feelings fade.
4. Limit Personal Interactions
If he is a daily presence, gradually reduce private conversations.
You don’t need to cut him off harshly—just create healthy distance.
5. Reflect on What You’re Truly Seeking
Sometimes the attraction is a signal—not about the person, but about a missing experience in your life:
-
excitement
-
attention
-
emotional warmth
-
affirmation
Identify it, then work on fulfilling it in healthier ways.
6. Seek Support If Needed
A therapist, relationship counsellor, or trusted confidant can provide clarity without judgment.
Your Marriage Is Still Yours to Protect
The woman in the Quora post is not “bad.” She is human. Many women love their husbands dearly and still find themselves emotionally entangled in a connection they didn’t request.
But the truth remains:
A marriage grows stronger when we invest in it, not when we emotionally drift away.
If you protect your boundaries and nurture your home, the emotional attachment will eventually dissolve—leaving wisdom in its place.
Final Thoughts
Love is not always straightforward. Attraction is not always logical. But commitment is a choice—one we make over and over again.
For any Nigerian woman navigating similar feelings today, remember:
You are not alone, you are not broken, and you can regain balance without guilt.
